Thought for the Day--April 11, 2011: How to Build a Fatter Body (For Slim People Only)

Fools are my theme, let satire be my song.
--Lord Byron
Today, I am going to show you how to build a fatter body.
1. Eat whatever you want and in any quantity. Eat until your gut bulges and that you eat enough so that you from suffer, in the middle of the night, acid indigestion and acid reflux. What fun!

2. Skip meals. Better yet, starve all day, and eat only one large meal a day, and that should be at night, the later the better. Be sure to snack all evening.

3. Never exercise. Walk only when you have to visit the fridge or go from your car to your favorite fast food place. (Better yet, use the drive through).

4. Make sure that you're sleep deprived. Four hours a night is quite enough, but I'm sure that you could function with a lot less.

5. Eat nothing but junk food, the higher the fat content, the better. Don't even go near a carrot.

6. Work, work, work, and never play. Stay connected to all your technology.

7. Panic and then go on a starvation diet, the more extreme, the better.

8. Wash, rinse, and repeat.

9. After each yo-yo diet, watch your weight go up even more dramatically.

10. Get frustrated with your efforts and, finally, just give up on yourself...
Hey, wait a minute...

Got your attention, didn't I?

Shouldn't I be showing you "How to Build a Slimmer Body"?

Yes I should, that is, if I were writing this post for dieters trying to lose weight.

However, this post is for slim people, whether you are newly slim or have been slim all your life.

Okay, it's for dieters as well, because many of you will reach goal weight, so you might as well read this now.

So why would a fat person offer snarky diet "advice" to slim people?

Good question.

Here's my answer.

Often, when naturally slim people hit middle age, they start gaining weight and some of them even become obese. I have seen this in the media and real life, and I'm sure some of you have observed this phenomenon as well. Also, newly slim people often fall off the maintenance wagon within a year, sometimes within weeks of reaching goal.

Sometimes, the weight gain is miniscule, but often it is dramatic, like 100 pounds in two years.

Slim people who have never had to watch their weight often do not know what to do when they they start gaining weight--they have never dieted before--even if they haven't upped their daily calories. At first, the gain is slow, barely noticeable.

Then, one day, they wake up and realize they are fat, one of us!

Often, they have no idea what to do about it, so they try all the typical extreme measures: starvation, skipping meals, fad diets, etc., etc.

So my my new advice would be titled "How to Cultivate a Slimmer Body":
1. Eat anything you want, but just not everything. Eat until you are 80% full and wait 20 minutes.

2. Never skip meals. Eat three meals a day and two snacks. By keeping your body nourished all day, you are less likely to snack all night.

3. Exercise regularly, 3 to 5 times a week, 30 minutes a day. What exercise you choose is up to you.

4. Make sure that you get 7.5 to 9 hours of sleep per night. Well-rested people tend to be and remain slimmer.

5. Eat less junk food and more whole foods--and more low fat, low sugar, lower carbs, and higher lean protein.

6. More play, play, play and less work. More connection with friends and family, and less connection to the iphone and internet.

7. If you notice a few pounds creeping on, don't panic; instead, get serious by developing a sensible lifelong food plan (such as Weight Watchers) that allows for some wiggle room (treats!) and slow weight loss. Besides, if you catch your weight gain early enough, you won't have that much to lose.

8. After reaching goal weight, continue to keep an eye on your weight. If you gain more than 5 pounds: wash, rinse, and repeat #1-7.

9. If you follow #1-8, your weight will never go up more than 5 pounds, and that is dramatic!

10. Even when you feel frustrated with your efforts (and go off the wagon), never give up on yourself.
Keep on truckin', my cyber friends.


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