Chase Bank: Are You KIDDING?
As a blogger, I am always thinking about finding and developing solid content for my blogs, but, sometimes, gems arrive in my junk mail...
The following piece of grandiose wishful thinking, worthy of a Saturday Night Live (SNL) spoof, fell into my lap (personal info deleted, snark in red added):
DearI would like all this time-consuming nonsense to STOP. Right Now.
Currently, our records indicate that you are not being mailed offers from Chase [Let's keep it that way; now I will have to waste my time filling out this stupid form] and we wanted you to know we are continually developing new products and services that may be of interest to you [Seriously? I am panting with anticipation at the prospect of being inundated with junk mail from Chase Bank.]. We are updating our prospective customers' preferences for receiving these mailings. We want to be sure that you know about available offers and that you have the opportunity to consider them. [Thank you for thinking of me and my well-being. How considerate!]
Please completely fill in the ovals below next to the Chase product and service offers you do not want to receive by mail:
Auto and Vehicle Financing (New and used vehicles) [I'll save thousands by paying cash or financing from my Credit Union, a still unspoiled bastion in the financial world, so pound sand.]Please respond by 12/15/2011. If you do not respond, you may begin to receive offers in the mail about these products and services ["Whether you like it or not." Thanks for the extortionist tone. And Republicans wonder why the government wants to sit on these bozos?]. There are three easy ways to respond with your preferences: [I would "prefer" not having to deal with you at all]:
Credit Card (New Offers) [Thanks a lot for wanting to stuff my mailbox with offers I don't need or want, but goodies for thieves to lift from my box and set up credit cards in my name for the purpose of going on a buying spree and stealing my identity. Gee, thanks, Chase!]
Education Loans (Private Student Loans)
Home Equity & Mortgage (Real Estate Financing) [I saw first-hand how those predatory home mortgages have worked out for hard-working Main Street customers. Chase Bank refused to work with someone near and dear to me when he tried to work out a payment plan after he lost his job. Give me one good reason why I should want to do business with Chase Bank. Give me a break.]
Annuities and Insurance (Annuity and Insurance Products) [Ditto above.]
Investments (Investment Products) [HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! -- Blogger doesn't have enough space for me to continue my LOL]
Personal Banking (Checking, Savings, Certificates of Deposit, Personal Loans [Ditto above]
Business Banking (Checking, Savings, Credit, Cash Management, Online Services) [Really? I would trust my cash management to a business that pays its top CEOs more money in a year than I will ever see in my lifetime? Yeah, I'll get right on that.]
Value Added Products and Services (Promotional Services like Identity Theft Solutions [Too funny for words], Service Warranties, Roadside Assistance, Other Offers)
1. Online: Visit www.dnmoptions.chase.com [Lousy domain name, btw]; enter your reference id located at the bottom right hand corner, and your name and address exactly as it appears above so that we properly record your choices. [Yeah, give me a bunch of useless tasks to perform so that I give up in frustration. Is it any accident that opting out of something you don't want is always so much more difficult than opting in to something you REALLY want? By the way, if you ask for my email address, I have a nice junk email address, designed for ignoring your spam]Space for signature line.
2. Mail: Completely fill in the ovals; after signing and dating below return this letter to us in the pre-paid enclosed envelope. [And Chase will file this is the appropriate place: the Circular File]
3. Fax: Completely fill in the ovals; after signing and dating below fax it to us toll-free at 1-877-547-6383 [Fax? You mean someone still uses fax machines? And you really think I'm going to run to Staples and PAY a fee to fax this sh*t to Chase? Get real.]
Responding to this letter will ensure that the mailing options will remain in effect for five years after we receive your request. [How about FOREVER???] After five years, or if you move, you'll need to renew all of your mailing options.
We appreciate your response [No, you don't. You would rather that I skim over this and toss it into the garbage so that you can continue to inundate my mailbox with junk mail] and look forward to the opportunity to serve your financial needs [In your dreams].
Executive Vice President
Limit your advertising to newspapers, magazines, TV (where I can ignore it) and stay out of my mailbox. You have NOT been invited, and you are a lousy guest, a litter bug, a killer of trees.
Go away, and stay away!
Best wishes to Occupy Wall Streeters! I hope you succeed.