I Write Essays For Money!!!! (What I Discovered in My Email This Morning)

Original photo: Wikipedia Public Domain
*Consider the rhetorical question posed at the end of this post.
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“I would prefer even to fail with honor than win by cheating.”

– Sophocles

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Fellow bloggers: don’t you just love when hysterical content falls right into your lap?

This morning, I received a breathless email, offering, for a price, to write papers for me – in other words, to facilitate me in plagiarizing my college research papers.

The problem: I’m a card-carrying member of the other side, a retired adjunct professor, a cheater’s worst nightmare. Talk about lack of audience analysis! This dumb cluck simply mass spams and hopes to hit his target.

This time, he hit the wrong target.

I decided to offer this numpty a taste of his own medicine by “plagiarizing” his email (with snarky interior commentary), totally without attribution –

He won’t mind, now will he? After all, isn’t that what he and his stable of writers do every day?

The only difference: I won’t be paying him one red cent.

So, I present to you, the skewed mind of a professional cheater:

It has been more than ten years since I did [Word choice?] my PhD [Right...]. While I was in university, I would write papers for my friends from my university and in other universities. [I don’t doubt this.] I came to rely on helping other students write their essays to pay my bills. [It’s really all about the money, isn’t it?] I was able to get a few thousand dollars every month doing what I loved. [So why not choose a real career that will ultimately pay much, much more, like rocket or computer science?]

Writing Essays for Money [Yep. Money. The Crux of the Matter.]

After graduating, I decided to do it professionally [Translation: “I couldn’t find a job.”]. I started my own writing company [Blah, Blah, Blah Link Removed] We charge from $7.5 [sic] to $45 a page, depending on the deadline and the academic level. All our essays come with a guarantee to get an A [So now you are a mind reader? If the cheater receives a lesser grade or is caught for plagiarizing because of your product, will he receive a refund? Will you guarantee a refund of his tuition when he gets booted out of college? I thought not...]. It is all original work so the students do not have to worry about Plagiarism [Blah, Blah, Blah link removed] [NOTE: if your customer’s paper is too sophisticated, we will know it, and we will drag his sorry ass into the office, and grill him about the topic and his research methods. Kind of difficult, right? Given that he didn’t do his own research...Busted! Goose egg! Tossed out of school!]. We do all of the research and enjoy writing and learning new things [Whatever “things” are...] in the process [It’s good to know that your education continues after college and university – it will come in handy when someone sues your a$$ and, effectively, shuts down your outfit. Perhaps one of your paid assignments has to do with the legal field?]. Every day, we get a big number [Most college-educated writers would use “large number,” except if English is your second language?] of students who want me to write their essays [sic: missing comma] and we have invested a lot of resources to find and train new writers to help our growing list of clients. [You placed “Help Wanted” ads in ethically-challenged college and university newspapers across the U.S., right next to the ads advertising your dubious product.]

Is it Morally Wrong to Help Students with Their Essay[s?]

Some may see helping students write their essays as morally wrong or a form of cheating, but I do not think its [sic – does a PhD offering papers-for-hire really make this kind of basic punctuation error?] immoral or a form of cheating. Using our services is just like reading the many journals available on a topic. [A non sequitur. By reading journals, a researcher actually learns about his topic. Only if the writer “copies” the journal text verbatim and doesn’t use quotation marks and attribute properly would your service be like “reading the many journals available...”] Moreover, we help students who cannot keep up with their schoolwork and it is our sworn duty [You joined an army of cheaters and took an oath?] to help them. [No it isn’t, you pompous ass. Whatever happened to personal responsibility?] Our writers are professionals [Other college graduates or dropouts who can’t find jobs and/or are earning minimum wage at the local Wal-Mart] in their fields and help such students. It is not that the students we help are lazy [Yes, your customers are procrastinators, morally lax, and ridiculously lazy]. Most times, college work is just too much for them and they need someone to help them. [Ambitious students who are experiencing academic difficulties go directly to their professors and/or The Learning Resource Center for help, not some random dingbat who is still living in his parents’ basement, playing Minecraft and World of Warcraft (WoW)].

Global Essay Writing Help [Blah, Blah, Blah Link Removed]

Another big niche of my customers are international students who cannot write English papers very well and ask us to write an essay paper for them [Oh, so that’s why we have so many non-English speaking Einsteins teaching at large U.S. universities.]. They need a good grade to pass [sic: “They need good grades to pass.” And don’t all students need “good grades”?] However, their level of English writing is too low to allow them to do so since professors have very high expectations of their student’s [sic: Remember that singular/plural thingy?] ability to write, that at times these international students studying in English speaking countries cannot meet those standards. [So shouldn’t these students study and learn English before attempting college courses in English? Just watch re-runs on U.S. TV for a few months...They might end up talking like Tony Soprano, but I digress...]

There you have it, the mind of a professional cheater, a rationalizer, a snake oil salesman.

Plagiarism for sale.

He will do whatever it takes to reel you in, to make you pay big bucks for a paper that you could have written yourself – and probably with much better results.

Here’s the deal, though (if you are contemplating using such a service):

While he guarantees that your purchased paper will be one-of-a-kind and untraceable online, he will not stand behind his work.

Why should he? He will already have your money in his little hot hands and already moved on to the next sucker, while you, dear college student and potential plagiarizer, will be left any possible fallout. Besides, do you really believe that old bromide of “honor among thieves”?

Also, consider this question as you rationalize that “cheating hurts no one”:

* Would you want a surgeon who cheated his way through medical school operating on you or one of your loved ones?

I think you know the answer.

By the way, if you see a Google ad for a term paper mill on this blog, it is not at my behest. Google is a large amoral organization, its algorithms not always distinguishing among the good, the bad, and the ugly in individualizing its revenue streams.

I do not condone such business models, and you click on such ads at your own peril.

Have a wonderful day!